Forgiveness Is The Key That Unlocks Resentment And Hatred
It is the power that breaks bitterness and selfishness
I had a very interesting conversation with Tarinee who is a mompreneur that I just connect with. We were having an conversation on this interesting topic of resentment and we realize that most parents in Asia often have a strong sense of resentment which in return becomes a compensation for their own childhood.
For example, if a parent grew up in a family when their parents are always busy or not there physically for them, when they become parents they want to be there for their children as much as possible. Their children might not like it because children like freedom. And when the parents can’t be there for their children they start feeling bad and guilty due to work commitment.
When they become a parent, often the parents are repeating the same mistakes that their own parent had done to them when they were growing up or what happened in the past when they grow up , so we call it parenting from our past history instead of today’s reality . Many times some abusers were abused before as kids so now it is time for re-payment.
Most of our Asian parents who are born in the 1960s exchange hard labor for income because most of them are not educated. They work about 16–18 hours per day, 7 days a week, which leave them no time for their own family. They sacrifice their relationships and marriage just to provide for the family. The kids grow up not knowing what a happy family is like or how to be a great parent. They are under so much pressure that they can’t do anything right because of the lack of education, experience or knowledge about parenting .
So when they become parents, now it’s time for the next generation! Now it’s time to reap what your parents have sown in you! Because now you are a parent too! That is why this cycle continues on from one generation to another.
The children feel angry and think: “Why did my parents have to sacrificed everything at work for me? I do not want to be like them when I grow up. Why do they have to be so harsh with me?”
Now it is a time for re-payment! Now you are a parent, now it’s your time to pay back! And this cycle continues on from one generation to another.
It leads us into anger and bitterness which then starts leading into resentment. Because their parents always scold or yell at them because of who they used to be 20 years ago , that causes them feel resentful towards their own kids and eventually lead them into parenting that way.
When we become parents, we tend to go through these 6 things:
3 ) Self-blame
6)Bargaining or bargaining with self.
Parents who are not educated or experienced enough, they tend to make mistakes when it comes to disciplining their children. They have to discipline their children because otherwise they will feel guilty. They want to discipline them for their own good, but it backfires on them when the kids become resentful and angry because of too much control.
How about we forgive our parent? Or let go of the resentment and instead ask ourselves:
1) What happened in the past that made me this way or made my parents do what they did not so well?
2) What mistakes I had done today, even though it’s unintentional?
3) How can I fix what I have done wrong to help myself move on from this problem?
4) What can I do better tomorrow to make myself a better person than yesterday and lastly…
5) Can you forgive yourself and your parent?
This is the key that unlocks resentment! Because if you do not forgive, it will only lead to more resentment. So in order to have a great future with our kids we need to let go of the past because God’s forgiveness does not mean that what happened in the past is okay. It means letting go of shame and guilt so that we can be free from all kinds of sicknesses like depression, abuse, self-harm or drug addictions. We need to stop being bitter toward ourselves and others.
As parents when we learn how to be forgiving toward our own mistakes, then it will help us eliminate all kinds of fear inside us because most people who are very fearful tend thing they hide behind things that they are very good at or things that have been done for many years.
In the past we talk about forgiveness, but what is true forgiveness? True forgiveness means you no longer feel resentment toward others and you choose to like yourself again. You become humble enough to accept yourself in your weakest point of life.
When we forgive ourselves and our parent, then it will free us from all the pain inside us so we can move on. It’s not easy to let go of anger because there may be a time when we feel frustrated, hurt or embarrassed by what happened in the past. We need other people to help us feel better because if we keep those feelings inside, it leads into depression eventually which makes us stay in the past. When we are depressed, it makes us stay in a half-alive state and give up on our life or anything that is good to us.
We need God’s forgiveness because it helps us gain hope even when things seem hopeless to us; therefore, if there comes a time when we feel sorry for ourselves or others, we can always say: “ I am so sorry for what has happened” , but this does not mean that we agree with the wrongdoing. We may have different hopes than other people . This is how God’s Love wants us to be humble enough to accept others instead of rejecting them just because they make mistakes. Coming back to our topic about how parents discipline their children, here are two things we need to know:
1) If parents do not discipline children because they think that it will lead their child into more sinning or rebellion, then they tend to give up on them and let them do whatever they want. This is a wrong way of parenting because if the parent allow this behavior for too long, the child can’t even realize what he had done wrong or what good behavior is at all until something terrible happens.
2) If parents discipline their children then they are being mean to them with too much hatred/anger, then put themselves and their kids in danger because when our hearts are full of anger towards others it tends to blur our vision and makes us unable to make right decision towards others even ourselves.
When we, parents are full of anger then it makes us think that our child is like a piece of wood or stone so there is no need to teach them how to do things right and even cause them harm because they don’t know what is wrong or right behavior anyway. Parents who are full with anger tend to send their kids to school not knowing if they will learn anything useful there but only to just let other people teach them the bad things in life.. Because of this kind of thoughts, our children easily get influenced by others and start doing bad things too, making matters worse. If you give your kids too much freedom without discipline and punishment, it will lead them into sinning which God hates; therefore, punishment and teaching are very important.
That is why we need to do our best to become good parents by forgiving ourselves because the first step of forgiveness is to accept ourselves as you are and just love yourself with a new heart that knows how much God loves us. By accepting who you are as a parent, it will lead you into understanding your child more and let them know how they can be happy in life even if they make mistakes or get bad grades at school. He needs time for himself to think and find out what makes him happy instead of expecting everyone around him to make him happy all the time.
In conclusion, when we forgive others then it helps us be heal from all kinds of sicknesses like depression, abuse, self-harm or suicide. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks resentment and hatred or it lets us go on with our life to live happily ever after in peace.
Our loving God, Thank you for all your blessings upon us . May we do things right today to ward off regret tomorrow. Help us forgive others especially when they hurt us by their wrongdoings towards us. If there was something that happened in the past which caused a burden of sadness and anger within us, let this feeling be replaced with love and forgiveness from you, Oh Lord. Amen.